Two things i hate about being home:

1. My parents undying love for the Weather Channel. Seriously, who watches it for hours?

2. Finding my dad's nasty porn on the history of the computer. Bizarre insertions? I didn't even know that existed.

I'm shifting.

Now that my moods have a name, they seem so much easier to define. I'm "manic", not just happy. I've actually grown to love this change from up to down and back again. How can you appreciate the highest highs without knowing the lowest lows?

I can truly appreciate the days when I feel like the number one girl, totally on top of the world because I've had days where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if its even worth my time to wash my hair. Ahh, I got too close to Sylvia Plath there. Don't worry, my head's not going out in an oven, i'm not ballsy enough for that.

My psychaitrist took feeling the same way every day as a victory for him and his medicine. I liked it, for a while...then the realization that every day was
exactly
the
same.
Boring. At least when I let my mind do what it wants, i have different days with different stories to tell. There are days when I drink and steal and giggle madly and days when I drink but keep my head in the toilet, sobbing. I like the variety. It makes life interesting.

So. I'm unemployed for December. I guess I deserve it, i'm not the first or last person to be fired/denied a job because of a blog...i guess in the future, i'll keep my 'personal feelings about the company' to myself. I'm sure no employees ever complain about the company...Freedom of speech? What?

In a way, its actually good. I spent all day today sewing and listening to my new hedwig soundtrack, and I need a break from the stress that has been this semester. Besides, the holidays are a busy time at the shop and Debbie can use my help.

I'm thinking of getting a cosmetology liscense. I really wanted to in high school, and Debbie has the shop. its an amazing way to make money during breaks and such, even when i'm teaching. Also, when Dad and Debbie retire, the shop is going to be left to me, apparently. I'll need some sort of background to run it well. Exciting stuff.

So yeah. I'm broke, but happy and relaxed.

I want to be hip and cool.

I want colored streaks in my hair and a flippiant attitude towards life.

I want to drop out of school and work retail, but create art in my spare time. All i create now are bullshit papers reflecting what people many years my senior want me to think about things that happened hundreds of years ago.

I want to be new and fresh and exciting.

I'm dull.

Joel: [on tape recording] And the whole thing with the hair - it's all bullshit.
Joel: I really like your hair.
Clementine: Thank you.

I'm not even back in the same town as the BAM, but I can feel the 'i hate BAM' bile boiling up in the back of my throat..its a bit like vomit, only worse. So, during the summer, I was told that I could work cafe if i wanted when i came back. And for mopping HUMAN SHIT off the walls of the bathroom, i'd get a raise. (A whopping 50 cents! and i'll still make less starting than i do at my new job in f-burg!) So I applied, as I have to do every winter and summer, and called them and gave them my availability and sat back, confident that i wouldn't have to answer any retarded "do you have that book...you know, by that guy?" questions.

Too much faith in the BAM.

Today, I get a call from my manager. No hours in the cafe, but plenty on the bookside. Woo-fucking-hoo. I love insane book christmas shoppers. No mention of the dinero, either. Who wants to bet that she's going to pay me the same starting salary that i've made for the past TWO years?

I fucking hate this job. Seriously. HATE. It was getting bad when I left, but I can only imagine how much it will suck with no Sam or Cole. I don't really want to work for someone who will keep certian associates on payroll who are constantly late, who piss off customers, and are generally incompetent, but will fire Sam for being late once. Well...more than once, but never when it matters, and her lack of timeliness is part of her charm, really. Like other managers never duck out early...nobody can prove it cause they are salary!

But. I need the money. Part of me wants to go home and just sit on my rear end for a month. I am in dire need of a true break from everything. But, unless a willing donor would like to pay me to do so, i'm stuck. Bookside at the BAM. At least I know that there's a snowball's chance in hell that i'll go back, so I'm under no pressure to do good work. Or any work at all. I mastered the art of "busy looking procrastination" under the master.

hello, blogosphere. long time no post.

Ahh. So much has been going on. I haven't spoken to my mother in forever, spare the messages she leaves in order to make me feel guilty. Sad to say, it works. I haven't done anything to her and i feel like a shithead. Oh well.

Alex and I got back together. Its been amazing. Its so funny how a few months ago, I was swearing up and down that i'd never talk to him again and now I'm wishing i was in his room snuggling and not thinking about exams.

One of my roomates is moving out. Its actually pretty sweet cause our personalities didn't mesh too well and now we'll have more space. However, the way she is going about it reminds me why I hate girls. She seems to have developed some sort of vendetta against Caitlin and I (and Alex by extension). Not even a badass vendetta, where I'm scared for my life. Just a lame LAME one where she periodically locks herself in my suitemates room to talk about us. She also moved the TV out. I'd like to say that i'm like all the other cool kids and i don't watch tv, but that would be a baldfaced lie. I love it. I love the background noise and the distraction it provides. No tv all of exam week? bitch move, indeed.

I have two utterly crucial exams tommorrow and i haven't started studying. I spent yesterday watching Clone High and giggling with my boo and I've spent most of this afternoon on Facebook and Myspace, catching up on people from high school. Caitlin and I have a trip to the mall planned later, too. Must finish Christmas shopping!!!

I feel like exams just don't even matter. I feel like i've been through so much this semester that I should get a medal just for getting through it sans nervous breakdown. Seriously, family break up part duex, love breakup part godawful, drinking myself retarded and convincing myself that everything's okay....I just want to go home, play with my puppy, and get in my big bed and sleep for three days straight.

There are so many things I wish I could change.

oh my fucking god.

i'm losing my mind.

the walls of this room are closing in on me.

Its official. My parents went to court, and my dad gave up custody of my sister to my mom. He's had enough of the abuse, I guess. I totally understand why he did it and how its a good thing and everything, but there's still that little child inside of me who just wants a normal family. She's pissed.

I feel like a fuckup sometimes. I alternate between being greatly amused by myself and being scared of what i'm becoming. Maybe I am on a downward spiral? I don't even want to think about it. I'm so lost and confused, and it seems that nobody wants to stick around ever. I'm a fucking lunatic, I don't really blame them.

I'm going home next weekend to see Sam and Rebecca and Cole and Willie and my parents and everybody. Caitlin is going to Tech and I have Friday and Saturday off. Amazing! Its going to be a fun time.

Maybe I should make an appointment with Dr. Lee when I go home and get back on those meds. I hated them, no I won't. I just need to be okay. But I can't. I'm not doing well with this 'be okay all fucking alone' thing.

Life is crazy. Jon dumped me, which is okay, I guess. I've been doing things that are out of character for me and I alternate between feeling cheap and shamefaced and thinking that i'm hilarous.

I miss everyone from BAM so hard. They had a halloween party last night and called me and it was glorious. Sam is insane.

I hate waiting for phone calls.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

why is communicating so difficult?

work all weekend. no trip to dc. no lovely visit. quite a depressing thought, actually.

when i think of the sock monkey's smiling face sailing out the window, i feel a ridiculous amount of anger.

Its fall break and everyone has gone home. Everyone but me. I had to work AND I have no desire to go home when things are all shot to shit there. My mom keeps calling. It makes me feel bad, but I don't have the mental capacity to deal with that shit.

Jon is awesome, though. He makes me retarded happy. It sucks living so far away from each other. I've almost gone through a whole tank of gas since Thursday. Its Saturday. Its totally worth it to spend the night in each other's arms.

Sam got fired from BAM. How ridiculous. I'm thinking I won't work there this December because that shit is bananas. And of course, this summer I want to stay here. Williamsburg is more stress than its worth.

I'm having lukewarm feelings about the education program. The more I observe and the more i learn about what its really like to teach in secondary school, the more i'm like 'and i want this to be my life WHY?' Perhaps I'll go to grad school, then I can teach in college and write scholarly books and have a snooty superior attitude much like Dr. Poskas. Rock on. Or, I could just get a plain old history degree and see where life takes me. Who knows?

I'd give anything to be out, living a real life. On a beach, in the mountains, somewhere where my soul is happy.


ps- lately, i've been missing kat and claire. is it too late to mend broken bridges?

I'm wondering how much more shock my mind can take before I have a complete nervous breakdown.

At least theres no homework in the psychiatric ward.

The internet scares me. Where else do you find the blogs of 39 year old men who weigh 450 pounds and have an affection for fuzzies and diapers? gross. Is this what the decline of our society will look like? Will we all turn into pasty fat nasty people with gross sexual fetishes and a dislike for fresh air and sunshine? I hope not.

I'm really tired of school. I feel so stagnant. I want my real life to start. I'm realizing that i'm okay with doing the bare minimum, just enough to slide through. I used to pride myself on doing the best all the time. Pshhh. If I had my way, I'd be so far away from Virginia right now. Jamacia? Paris? anywhere?

My family is driving me insane. The events of the past few days have decided it. I don't care if i'll be the only person I know living in fredericksburg, I'm not living in Williamsburg another summer. I'll go crazy. Fuck. I think i'm already there. So, if any of you awesome bammers are thinking of relocating, come here and share a place with me!

I'm really lucky. Really. I don't care what some people would say, I refuse to feel guilty about this. Something amazing has happened to me and I deserve it. I need at least one bastion of happiness and sanity in this world. Every day seems to be driving my whole family closer to the Jerry Springer show. So much for depending on them.

Woo me. I'm learning to be independent.

Another lovely weekend.

Was a drunk fool Friday night, saw a movie Saturday.

Spent every morning in his arms.

Happy.

A relationship disagreement may turn your day inside out, even if it was running so smoothly. This is a topsy-turvy day anyhow, with sudden changes in your plans flashing like lightning. Try not to bully your way through any apparent resistance, for you might have to learn the hard way if you don't respect the boundaries as they appear. A delicate dance of balance is now required of you.

eerie.

you suck, sir. one day you'll realize what an ass you're being.

broken.

am i really a slut?

not necessary.

you asshole.

Had a lovely weekend in DC.

Had delicious sushi, went to the zoo, drank corona, didn't sleep enough.

Giraffes are cool.

Sleep is overrated.

School is starting to set in. I'm not gonna have as much free time. Damn you history and your primary sources!!!

Its a glooomy gloomy day. It makes me depressed.

I want to go to the zoo. I never did over the summer. :(

I also want to go to the melting pot and midieval times.

I have a job interview at 4 30. wish me luck.

Had a wonderful weekend at home. Drinking with Sam and Rebecca and everyone is probably my favorite thing to do ever. Meeting an awesome boy who listens to my drunk rambling and laughs at my jokes is even better. (Jon is awesome, btw)

Some dude punched Rebecca. wtf. Rednecks suck.

I lost my clove cigarette. I was saving it for a special occassion, and I just decided what the occasion would be. And now its gone.

I have a job interview tommorrow at Caribou Coffee. Sweeet. I'm going to rock it so hard.

I hate how when I'm at school, I work real real hard and get all this stuff done and feel totally accomplished...until the next day. Then the process starts over again. Woo.

Am feeling rotten.

Considering going home for the weekend. Want nothing more than rum shots and dancing and (inevitably) my head in the toilet.

Life is funny.

While I was out jobhunting, i found the coolest used bookstore (that wasn't hiring) and bought a loved copy of bridget jones' diary. Have you ever had the feeling that when you are reading a book you begin to assume the same style of speaking as in a book? As in- I want a flat, a fag, and some cute knickers? No?

I do.

I'm enjoying the book mucho, though.

It would only be better in a bathtub with ice cream cake, red wine, and jewel songs being sung at the top of my lungs. :)

back at college.

I've realized what it exactly means that Caitlin and I are the only ones still on campus. It means that I have two friends that I know I will see regularly: Alex and Caitlin.

How depressing.

I need to find a job. Then I'll have money and something to do besides schoolwork.

I promised Sam and Rebecca i'd come back for Halloween, but its on a tuesday so I might not be able to come back :(

We'll still have fall break!

Passion?

Desire?

I'd like extra.

Thanks.

I want to move. Not just out of my parents house. Not just to Fredericksburg. I want something fresh. I want to live somewhere where I feel alive. London? New York? San Fransisco?

I want to feel life rush by and I want to get caught by the flow.

when i started my car to go to work this morning, this started playing:

in the end the world comes down to just a few people
but for you it comes down to one
but no one ever asked me if i thought i could be everything to someone
there's a crowd of people harbored in every person
there are so many roles that we play
and you've decided to love me for eternity
i'm still deciding who i want to be today

Its wierd how Ani Difranco always seems to mirror my thoughts.

One day at a time.

ps-i got that tattoo.

Life is getting better.

The majority of the past 3 nights have been spent in the company of others, doing things that were fun and interesting. (how amazing is that?)

I'm mad that things in williamsburg suddenly stop sucking so hard when its time for me to go back to school. I wish that I had spent more time with new friends and less time moping and feeling resentful/sad/angry.

I also wish I wasn't such a pussy. Petty larceny isn't THAT big of a deal. :)

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo or a piercing. To sort of signify this new start i'm trying to make. I'm tired of basing my life around others. Its me from now on, damnit!

The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. Once it comes to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.

Have you ever looked around and thought "omg. this is my life"

and suddenly felt depressed?

welcome to the club.

going once, going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the advice
of all the people who knew her better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her will
to come and get here
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a map
and a straight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready
for the lonely
she was in it for
it only
going once, going twice
down the road less taken
with her diary and her WD40
and her swiss army knife
and her beer
and there was always
someone there to say
why don't you just stay
and hang your hat here
but she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of bungles and near misses
and she was swinging
through a jungle
of last calls and first kisses
and she was learning
about please
and huge humilities
then one day she looked around her
and everything up til then was showing
and she wondered how did i get here
without even knowing where i was going?
now there's no getting out of this
and there is no going back
and it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seem stacked
going once, going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the advice
of all the people who knew her better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her will
to come and get here
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a map
and a straight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready
for the lonely
she was in it for
it only

oh my lord. i am so sad. am i the only person in the world who feel physically drained by everyone around them? I thought interpersonal relationships were about give and take. not just take.

So today, I worked my first cafe shift all by myself. For the most part is was a HUGE relief, because there were no annoying customers asking for obscure books and I didn't have to be backup or anything to Sharon. Every time the intercom buzzed, I knew that it wasn't someone asking me to come to customre service to do something for someone too lazy to browse for themselves.

However. This lady made me feel crazy.

Near the end of the day, Rebecca is in the cafe, and theres two new people and the cafe gets really busy, so i'm there helping. This is near the end of the rush, and i'm making two drinks and I hear Rebecca talking to some customer, something about how we can't make your drink before you pay for it. Duh. She tells the new people that this is a very important policy, because people will just walk into the bookstore with drinks and then leave. So, yeah. That's all i heard of this exchange. So, Rebecca is in the back, washing dishes, and the woman comes back.

Me: (all cheerful) Hi, What can I get for you today?
Woman: (confused and angry) Well, I told the other girl what I wanted, and I hope she's already made it!
Me: And what was that? (scanner poised over the sheet of scans so I can just ring her drink up)
Woman: I told her! (actually waves arms around a little)
Me: Well, ma'am, I didn't HEAR you tell her, so I just need to know what drink it was so I can ring you up and we can get started on it.
Woman: (with huge effort) White Chocolate Mocha with a shot of Raspberry.
Me: Alrighty. And the book?
(beep beep beep)
Woman: OH! And my discount card? You didn't ask!
Me: (you were too busy telling me how you told someone else what your drink order was) Oh you have one?
(beep beep beep)
Woman finally leaves.

To give her some credit, she did seem to realize that she was being a bit of a beyyotch, because she tried to joke with me a bit at the end of the transaction. When a transaction starts like that though, there's no recovery. I just don't understand. It took much more effort for her to argue with me about the drink and how she told Rebecca and how it should be made than for her to just say, "Hello, i'll have a white chocolate mocha with a shot of raspberry" Jeeze.

Anyway. I love the cafe much more than I love bookside.

Bahh. meeting at 7am.

Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of life in Williamsburg I could die. I'm tired of my family pulling me in all different directions, i'm tired of being scared that something I said to someone can be twisted and used to hurt someone else. I'm fucking tired of everyone asking me about Brittany. As far as I'm concerned, she's not worth all the energy that everyone's putting into her this summer.

I want an apartment in Fredericksburg. I don't care what fucking complex I live in, i'm NOT coming back here again. I'd take living in Fredericksburg alone all summer over this shit.

So myspace is for sucks. I'm tired of the teenagers and shite. So voila. New webspace.