growing up?

So. I might have to stay in Fredericksburg for the summer. We have to sign a year long lease, and it dosen't make sense to pay for an apartment that I'm not living in. And I have a truly lovely job that I don't want to lose by going back to Williamsburg. The upside? I get to growup. The downside? My roomate, Caitlin, has no desire to stay here for the summer. If I can't get anyone to take the spot for the summer, she'll pay her half of the rent still, which is good. I don't know how I feel about living alone. So. If anyone knows of anyone who would like to share a two bedroom apartment with me for a few months, just let me know. Girls are preferred, because my dad won't help if i live with a boy (its a sin, dontchaknow?)

I'm feeling hopeless, but optimistically so. Does that make any sense? I know I'm crazy, but I've been thinking that maybe I'll go back to the psych services center and maybe I'll go to Dr. Lee and take meds again. For the record, if anyone who was a friend who got tired of constantly reassuring me and telling me i'm pretty and not a waste of life told me to go get some help, they'd be treated to a tearful diatribe about how professionals 'just don't get it.' While they don't know me, they probably know ten thousand other overwhelmed college girls just like me.

I think its the season. When its warm outside I just want to be normal. When its cold, wallowing in my own mental breakdown is fine. When its warm, i flock to office buildings and tell professionals all my problems, begging them to fix it. Of course they never do. Inevitably, they slip up and say some tired old adage and I go home and decide that professionals are full of baloney and I don't want them to judge my family or my childhood or my worldview.

I think I have a plan for when I graduate: Peace Corps, then hiking the Appalachian Trail. maybe then i'll settle down.