blah

Got very very sick. My body is telling me to sleep more and drive around and smoke cigarettes less. Went to the ER, the nurse was visibly repulsed by what was growing in my throat. Spent all day yesterday in bed, passed out as a result of painkillers. The only thing that made the whole ER trip worthwhile was strong, callused, working hands caressing my back and singing classic rock to me to make me cheer up.

My throat still hurts a little, but if i take anymore pain killers I run the risk of a highly illegal and costly drug addiction and the risk of sleeping through the second day of classes in a row. Niether of which I can afford right now.

I registered for my classes for next semseter. Easiest registration ever. For the first time, I got into every class i wanted on the first try. I can't decide if my schedule will kill me or if its badass. Four history classes. Two 400 level, two 300 level. Period. Now, all I'll NEED to take my final semseter is 485 and write my senior thesis thingy. And i'm going to take a business class or two, so I can have some semblance of a marketable skill.

Decided not to drink until I am firmly entrenched in my new apartment. It has brought too much grief in the past week and is more than likely fully to blame for my sickness. So, two months or so, no drinking. Hell yeah I can do it.

not dead

i am quite alive.

just incapable of returning phone calls.

and coming face to face with how selfish i have been acting.

growing up?

So. I might have to stay in Fredericksburg for the summer. We have to sign a year long lease, and it dosen't make sense to pay for an apartment that I'm not living in. And I have a truly lovely job that I don't want to lose by going back to Williamsburg. The upside? I get to growup. The downside? My roomate, Caitlin, has no desire to stay here for the summer. If I can't get anyone to take the spot for the summer, she'll pay her half of the rent still, which is good. I don't know how I feel about living alone. So. If anyone knows of anyone who would like to share a two bedroom apartment with me for a few months, just let me know. Girls are preferred, because my dad won't help if i live with a boy (its a sin, dontchaknow?)

I'm feeling hopeless, but optimistically so. Does that make any sense? I know I'm crazy, but I've been thinking that maybe I'll go back to the psych services center and maybe I'll go to Dr. Lee and take meds again. For the record, if anyone who was a friend who got tired of constantly reassuring me and telling me i'm pretty and not a waste of life told me to go get some help, they'd be treated to a tearful diatribe about how professionals 'just don't get it.' While they don't know me, they probably know ten thousand other overwhelmed college girls just like me.

I think its the season. When its warm outside I just want to be normal. When its cold, wallowing in my own mental breakdown is fine. When its warm, i flock to office buildings and tell professionals all my problems, begging them to fix it. Of course they never do. Inevitably, they slip up and say some tired old adage and I go home and decide that professionals are full of baloney and I don't want them to judge my family or my childhood or my worldview.

I think I have a plan for when I graduate: Peace Corps, then hiking the Appalachian Trail. maybe then i'll settle down.

ohshit.

Spring Break is over. I should be heading off into the sunset to go back to Fredericksburg soon.

I don't wanna.

Yesterday, there was a bit of a family explosion. A bit = a lot. Nothing makes me want to be at home more than family related explosions. Nobody else truly understands like Dad and Debbie do. All I get from anyone else is pitiful gazes, and halfassed attempts to cheer me up with drinks or chocolates. I don't need pity.

I don't care if its a waste, I really just want to get a job and live in Williamsburg and work and just be here. I can't do history well with the way things are. I already dropped a class and I'm not so sure i'll do too hot in my other ones, I'd rather not have my parents spend a lot of money for me to get mediocre grades. It would really make me happy right now to work in a coffee shop full time and maybe have my biggest worry be rent or food or what to do after work tonite.

Fredericksburg will be the death of me.

there is nothing so unattractive to a man as strident feminism

Did you know that it wasn't that long ago that when women were raped, their underwear and dress were considered viable evidence to use to prove that they were 'asking for it'? Because if you put on a thong or silky panties, you automatically open your legs to any and every man you might encounter. Of course, they don't do this anymore, but what does that say about our society?

Speaking as a woman, this is outrageous. Completely and totally. But it speaks to the dichotomy that is present in many depictions of women. You're either the madonna or the whore. Men want both, need both, but don't want to see both qualities in the same woman. A man will meet a permissive woman in a bar, have amazing sex with her, and never call her again, cause she's a whore. You don't make long term plans with whores, you don't introduce them to your parents, and you don't go out on dates with them. Really, I say that man is just an asshole, but maybe that makes me the whore.

Really, which would you rather have? A woman who freely admits to having sex with people she dosen't love, but is safe about it and knows what she wants or a woman who has only had sex with people she loves, just in the missionary position with the lights out, and she didnt' really enjoy it too much? You can't have it all.

I'm so sick of feeling guilty about sex. Why does our society make it feel so dirty? I have had sex. Yes. With people I didn't love. Yes, I have made mistakes, but those are mine. I don't need your judgement over coffee anymore than I need your judgement in ten trillion repeated arguments that are ostensibly about video games and movies and plans and parties, but at the root are all about me and my whoredom. Trust me, the judgement I deal to myself late at night when I should be asleep is much harsher and much more personal than anything you could ever say or do. I enjoy having sex, and I don't feel bad for it. If that makes me a whore, then so be it.

hipster

I miss high school sometimes. Back when we were badass and the only ones who mattered. Always having Claire's place to play Mario Party and and Kat's bed to snuggle in seemed to make living in Williamsburg a bit more tolerable.

I don't get enough hugs. Claire and Kat and I used to hug every opportunity we got, and when we sat on couches or on Kat's bed, we snuggled, never totally separate. Sometimes I feel like an island.

I miss photography class.

Secretly, I thought the 'handjobla' joke was hilarious.

fuck you guys.

Williamsburg

This is shaping up to be quite a good visit.

What would you do if I sang out tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
I will try not to sing out of key, yeah
Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends
By with a little help from my friends.
All I need is my buddies
By with a little help from my friends
I said I'm gonna get by with a little
By with a little help from my friends
Whoa oh oh oh oh

stars

horoscope for today:
Withholding your feelings may seem like a good idea; however, it can distance you from others who are as attracted to you as you are to them. Instead of placing artificial boundaries around your heart, express your emotions without expecting anything in return. No matter what happens, your integrity and vulnerability can pave the way for lasting friendship.

On an unrealted note:

Baristas judge people based on their drinks...its true. Yesterday, when Sharon came in and ordered "the Angela special", i realized that my favorite thing to drink right now is totally worthy of judgement. Okay, take a deep breath and say this out loud:

"Iced soy latte with half a shot of hazelnut and an extra shot"

yeah.