Two things i hate about being home:

1. My parents undying love for the Weather Channel. Seriously, who watches it for hours?

2. Finding my dad's nasty porn on the history of the computer. Bizarre insertions? I didn't even know that existed.

I'm shifting.

Now that my moods have a name, they seem so much easier to define. I'm "manic", not just happy. I've actually grown to love this change from up to down and back again. How can you appreciate the highest highs without knowing the lowest lows?

I can truly appreciate the days when I feel like the number one girl, totally on top of the world because I've had days where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if its even worth my time to wash my hair. Ahh, I got too close to Sylvia Plath there. Don't worry, my head's not going out in an oven, i'm not ballsy enough for that.

My psychaitrist took feeling the same way every day as a victory for him and his medicine. I liked it, for a while...then the realization that every day was
exactly
the
same.
Boring. At least when I let my mind do what it wants, i have different days with different stories to tell. There are days when I drink and steal and giggle madly and days when I drink but keep my head in the toilet, sobbing. I like the variety. It makes life interesting.

So. I'm unemployed for December. I guess I deserve it, i'm not the first or last person to be fired/denied a job because of a blog...i guess in the future, i'll keep my 'personal feelings about the company' to myself. I'm sure no employees ever complain about the company...Freedom of speech? What?

In a way, its actually good. I spent all day today sewing and listening to my new hedwig soundtrack, and I need a break from the stress that has been this semester. Besides, the holidays are a busy time at the shop and Debbie can use my help.

I'm thinking of getting a cosmetology liscense. I really wanted to in high school, and Debbie has the shop. its an amazing way to make money during breaks and such, even when i'm teaching. Also, when Dad and Debbie retire, the shop is going to be left to me, apparently. I'll need some sort of background to run it well. Exciting stuff.

So yeah. I'm broke, but happy and relaxed.

I want to be hip and cool.

I want colored streaks in my hair and a flippiant attitude towards life.

I want to drop out of school and work retail, but create art in my spare time. All i create now are bullshit papers reflecting what people many years my senior want me to think about things that happened hundreds of years ago.

I want to be new and fresh and exciting.

I'm dull.

Joel: [on tape recording] And the whole thing with the hair - it's all bullshit.
Joel: I really like your hair.
Clementine: Thank you.

I'm not even back in the same town as the BAM, but I can feel the 'i hate BAM' bile boiling up in the back of my throat..its a bit like vomit, only worse. So, during the summer, I was told that I could work cafe if i wanted when i came back. And for mopping HUMAN SHIT off the walls of the bathroom, i'd get a raise. (A whopping 50 cents! and i'll still make less starting than i do at my new job in f-burg!) So I applied, as I have to do every winter and summer, and called them and gave them my availability and sat back, confident that i wouldn't have to answer any retarded "do you have that book...you know, by that guy?" questions.

Too much faith in the BAM.

Today, I get a call from my manager. No hours in the cafe, but plenty on the bookside. Woo-fucking-hoo. I love insane book christmas shoppers. No mention of the dinero, either. Who wants to bet that she's going to pay me the same starting salary that i've made for the past TWO years?

I fucking hate this job. Seriously. HATE. It was getting bad when I left, but I can only imagine how much it will suck with no Sam or Cole. I don't really want to work for someone who will keep certian associates on payroll who are constantly late, who piss off customers, and are generally incompetent, but will fire Sam for being late once. Well...more than once, but never when it matters, and her lack of timeliness is part of her charm, really. Like other managers never duck out early...nobody can prove it cause they are salary!

But. I need the money. Part of me wants to go home and just sit on my rear end for a month. I am in dire need of a true break from everything. But, unless a willing donor would like to pay me to do so, i'm stuck. Bookside at the BAM. At least I know that there's a snowball's chance in hell that i'll go back, so I'm under no pressure to do good work. Or any work at all. I mastered the art of "busy looking procrastination" under the master.

hello, blogosphere. long time no post.

Ahh. So much has been going on. I haven't spoken to my mother in forever, spare the messages she leaves in order to make me feel guilty. Sad to say, it works. I haven't done anything to her and i feel like a shithead. Oh well.

Alex and I got back together. Its been amazing. Its so funny how a few months ago, I was swearing up and down that i'd never talk to him again and now I'm wishing i was in his room snuggling and not thinking about exams.

One of my roomates is moving out. Its actually pretty sweet cause our personalities didn't mesh too well and now we'll have more space. However, the way she is going about it reminds me why I hate girls. She seems to have developed some sort of vendetta against Caitlin and I (and Alex by extension). Not even a badass vendetta, where I'm scared for my life. Just a lame LAME one where she periodically locks herself in my suitemates room to talk about us. She also moved the TV out. I'd like to say that i'm like all the other cool kids and i don't watch tv, but that would be a baldfaced lie. I love it. I love the background noise and the distraction it provides. No tv all of exam week? bitch move, indeed.

I have two utterly crucial exams tommorrow and i haven't started studying. I spent yesterday watching Clone High and giggling with my boo and I've spent most of this afternoon on Facebook and Myspace, catching up on people from high school. Caitlin and I have a trip to the mall planned later, too. Must finish Christmas shopping!!!

I feel like exams just don't even matter. I feel like i've been through so much this semester that I should get a medal just for getting through it sans nervous breakdown. Seriously, family break up part duex, love breakup part godawful, drinking myself retarded and convincing myself that everything's okay....I just want to go home, play with my puppy, and get in my big bed and sleep for three days straight.