There are so many things I wish I could change.

oh my fucking god.

i'm losing my mind.

the walls of this room are closing in on me.

Its official. My parents went to court, and my dad gave up custody of my sister to my mom. He's had enough of the abuse, I guess. I totally understand why he did it and how its a good thing and everything, but there's still that little child inside of me who just wants a normal family. She's pissed.

I feel like a fuckup sometimes. I alternate between being greatly amused by myself and being scared of what i'm becoming. Maybe I am on a downward spiral? I don't even want to think about it. I'm so lost and confused, and it seems that nobody wants to stick around ever. I'm a fucking lunatic, I don't really blame them.

I'm going home next weekend to see Sam and Rebecca and Cole and Willie and my parents and everybody. Caitlin is going to Tech and I have Friday and Saturday off. Amazing! Its going to be a fun time.

Maybe I should make an appointment with Dr. Lee when I go home and get back on those meds. I hated them, no I won't. I just need to be okay. But I can't. I'm not doing well with this 'be okay all fucking alone' thing.

Life is crazy. Jon dumped me, which is okay, I guess. I've been doing things that are out of character for me and I alternate between feeling cheap and shamefaced and thinking that i'm hilarous.

I miss everyone from BAM so hard. They had a halloween party last night and called me and it was glorious. Sam is insane.

I hate waiting for phone calls.