Am feeling rotten.

Considering going home for the weekend. Want nothing more than rum shots and dancing and (inevitably) my head in the toilet.

Life is funny.

While I was out jobhunting, i found the coolest used bookstore (that wasn't hiring) and bought a loved copy of bridget jones' diary. Have you ever had the feeling that when you are reading a book you begin to assume the same style of speaking as in a book? As in- I want a flat, a fag, and some cute knickers? No?

I do.

I'm enjoying the book mucho, though.

It would only be better in a bathtub with ice cream cake, red wine, and jewel songs being sung at the top of my lungs. :)

back at college.

I've realized what it exactly means that Caitlin and I are the only ones still on campus. It means that I have two friends that I know I will see regularly: Alex and Caitlin.

How depressing.

I need to find a job. Then I'll have money and something to do besides schoolwork.

I promised Sam and Rebecca i'd come back for Halloween, but its on a tuesday so I might not be able to come back :(

We'll still have fall break!

Passion?

Desire?

I'd like extra.

Thanks.

I want to move. Not just out of my parents house. Not just to Fredericksburg. I want something fresh. I want to live somewhere where I feel alive. London? New York? San Fransisco?

I want to feel life rush by and I want to get caught by the flow.

when i started my car to go to work this morning, this started playing:

in the end the world comes down to just a few people
but for you it comes down to one
but no one ever asked me if i thought i could be everything to someone
there's a crowd of people harbored in every person
there are so many roles that we play
and you've decided to love me for eternity
i'm still deciding who i want to be today

Its wierd how Ani Difranco always seems to mirror my thoughts.

One day at a time.

ps-i got that tattoo.

Life is getting better.

The majority of the past 3 nights have been spent in the company of others, doing things that were fun and interesting. (how amazing is that?)

I'm mad that things in williamsburg suddenly stop sucking so hard when its time for me to go back to school. I wish that I had spent more time with new friends and less time moping and feeling resentful/sad/angry.

I also wish I wasn't such a pussy. Petty larceny isn't THAT big of a deal. :)

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo or a piercing. To sort of signify this new start i'm trying to make. I'm tired of basing my life around others. Its me from now on, damnit!

The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. Once it comes to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.

Have you ever looked around and thought "omg. this is my life"

and suddenly felt depressed?

welcome to the club.

going once, going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the advice
of all the people who knew her better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her will
to come and get here
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a map
and a straight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready
for the lonely
she was in it for
it only
going once, going twice
down the road less taken
with her diary and her WD40
and her swiss army knife
and her beer
and there was always
someone there to say
why don't you just stay
and hang your hat here
but she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of bungles and near misses
and she was swinging
through a jungle
of last calls and first kisses
and she was learning
about please
and huge humilities
then one day she looked around her
and everything up til then was showing
and she wondered how did i get here
without even knowing where i was going?
now there's no getting out of this
and there is no going back
and it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seem stacked
going once, going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the advice
of all the people who knew her better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her will
to come and get here
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a map
and a straight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready
for the lonely
she was in it for
it only

oh my lord. i am so sad. am i the only person in the world who feel physically drained by everyone around them? I thought interpersonal relationships were about give and take. not just take.